What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
