oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
