My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
