i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
