I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
