Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
