tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
