She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
