literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
