It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
