I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
