Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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