My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
