After last night, I could never be a politician.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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