just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you traded sex for a burrito?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
