Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
