I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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