I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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