I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize