so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
