Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
