Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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