Welp...herpes.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
