I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
