you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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