So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
