I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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