Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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