God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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