my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
