I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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