she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
