either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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