I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
