I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize