I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just found puke in my bra..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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