i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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