I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
