Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
