did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize