Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
