1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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