Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
