Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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