dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
