I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
