I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
we should paint friendship bongs
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