wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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