Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
