i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
