omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
