One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
