Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Bring me that man meat
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
