When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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