god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
