tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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