Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
