Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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