I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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