i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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