I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
pop tarts are not kleenex
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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