i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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