just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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