to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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